Who We Are Is Not Who We've Been With
by MindBottled
Summary: Because two has always been better than one and misery certainly loved company.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything from The Big Bang Theory. Those rights belong to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady, and CBS.

**Author's Note: **This is supposed to be set after the Herb Garden Germination episode. It's actually much longer than I had initially planned(which, incidentally, means it didn't get posted as soon as I had planned either), but I hope that doesn't detract from it's appeal. Enjoy!

**Pairing: **Raj/Penny, mentioning's of Howard/Bernadette, Leonard/Penny and Leonard/Priya

* * *

><p>Penny lumbered up the stairs, not caring if her slouched form and disheveled appearance was less than appealing. She felt gross and worn-out, thanks to a hellishly long double shift at the Cheesecake Factory. Granted, work was work, and she had to take what she could get at this point, her maxed-out credit card bills weren't going to pay themselves… no matter how hard she wished they would.<p>

She cast a sidelong look to apartment 4A, the lights flickering underneath the door and a whoop of raucous laughter echoing throughout the halls, which put her in an even worse mood.

Leonard was happy and in a stable relationship with that gossipy bitch(she refused to dignify her with a name when the walls were down and the girls were out), while she hadn't had a date in weeks and was one-step up from miserable or two-steps down, depending on what day of the week it was. Today was definitely two-steps down, if not three.

She pulled her purse off her shoulder, rifling through it's contents(seriously, how much could one little bag hold?), letting out a frustrated huff when she couldn't readily find her keys. After another few minutes of searching and nearly dumping all her make-up out in the process(she now was out one tin of overpriced eyeshadow), she felt the cold metal bite into her hand.

Choking back a curse, she pulled out her keys and fumbled with lock, the doorknob rattling about until a resounding click filled the air. Opening the door and briefly glancing around her unkempt apartment(she really hoped Sheldon never found out it got this bad again), she slumped down onto the couch, her head hanging over the back cushion and her eyes closed, trying her best not to envision the great night Leonard was most definitely having.

What right did he have to have a good time when she couldn't?

Her eyes popped open at that thought and she whipped her makeup bag out of her purse, before heading toward the small vanity in her bedroom. She raked a comb through her hair, quickly fixing a few minor imperfections with a spritz of conditioner, though still leaving it in the messy style she had sported at work.

The way to make him regret losing her(and, a small part secretly hoped, want her back) without looking desperate would be to play it low key, meaning those va va voom stilettos by the door that she kept eying would be a definite no-no, despite how badly she wanted to wear them.

But a swipe of her favorite crimson lipstick and a little touch up of mascara, that she could definitely pull off. Hell, even if she couldn't pull it off she was still going to wear it anyway, how else was she going to compete against little miss perfect?

There was a slight prance in her step as she walked to 4A and she tried her best to contain a giddy grin. It wasn't that she wanted to make Leonard's life miserable, she wasn't that kind of woman. Well, not really anyway. She just wanted to cause some mischief and mayhem in his perfect little cocoon, to show him that she was still kicking. That was a big difference, right?

Whatever, she wasn't going to spend the night brooding about her decisions.

"Sheldon, Sheldon, Sheldon." Her voice practically sang the words as she knocked at the door, echoing the physicist's own actions.

She was taken aback when she was not greeted by her neurotic(but still somewhat lovable, huge emphasis on the somewhat) neighbor, but instead the very last person on earth she wanted to see. Her parade wasn't just rained on, it was drenched by a monsoon.

"Oh, hello Penny."

She plastered a fake smile onto her face, restraining the urge to bite back her next few words. "Hey Priya."

"So Penny, what brings you over to the apartment tonight?" Priya asked, as she took a seat on the couch, sounding almost genuinely curious, almost being the key word.

As if she couldn't detect the quiet barbs behind her words, please, she wasn't that much of a damned fool. Penny couldn't blame her for it though, it was hard not to hate your boyfriend's ex. Or, as in her own case, hate your ex-boyfriend's uppity new girlfriend.

"Oh, you know, just checking in on Leonard and the guys. Speaking of the guys, where are they?" She asked as she stepped into the apartment, her eyes darting all around, taking a brief notice of the paused movie(it looked to be Batman, though she couldn't tell for certain) on the flat screen, until they landed on a hunched figure rummaging through the fridge.

"Anything can happen Thursday. Amy and Sheldon went to a book signing and Howard and Bernadette stayed in tonight." She shuddered to think what 'stayed in' meant. "Raj is in the bathroom."

Almost as if on cue, as Leonard closed the fridge door, water bottle in hand, the toilet flushed.

"Hey, what happened to your blouse?" he asked, his features scrunched up slightly, his usual look of curiosity, as he took a seat on the couch.

"My blouse?" she asked, looking down to find a rather large purple stain blemishing the front of her work uniform. Of course she would forget to change out of her work uniform, of course! That was just her freaking luck.

"Oh, my blouse." She drawled off, trying to sound amused even though she was pretty sure her voice was so strained from the effort that it could crack. "Yeah, one of the customer's drinks got knocked over when I was busing tables. Guess that means I won the wet t-shirt contest for the day, huh?"

"Yeah, guess so." Leonard offhandedly replied, his attention more transfixed on the movie before him(and the woman beside him).

So much for making Leonard regret losing her.

She rolled her eyes at the smitten couple before shifting her attention to Raj, who was awkwardly fidgeting in the hall. She could practically see the "Danger! Danger Rajesh Koothrappali, danger!" alarm ringing throughout his head when he saw her.

The day after the proposal, he refused to so much as even come out of his bedroom and claimed to be sick with the 'flu' which in turn, caused Sheldon to have a nearly catastrophic panic attack(he insisted on spraying everything in the apartment down with Lysol, including the other inhabitants). After a few days, he finally reemerged from his apartment, looking quite puffy-eyed and much worse for wear. Since then, his spark seemed to have faded, his usual witty(albeit somewhat snarky… Okay, really snarky) insight becoming almost obsolete.

In fact, she was positive she hadn't seen him so much as crack a smile. He was so glum and dejected that she was sure the effect was spreading, making her misery well, more miserable.

Impulsively, she walked over to him and grabbed his hands. His eyes were wide and doe-like, though the look on his face was far from frightened. Maybe a little shocked, but then again, she couldn't remember the last time she actually touched him, willingly or otherwise.

She tried her best to give a friendly grin(though she was sure the effect was ruined when Leonard laughed and she grimaced), before tilting her head back, gesturing toward the door. He hesitated, looking nervously toward Priya and Leonard, before she tugged at his hands again, more firmly this time.

Raj needed to get away from playing watchdog(which he pretty much failed at anyway) and live a little. Plus, it was never fun to get drunk alone, then it was just bleak and miserable(she vaguely recalled Amy mentioning something about depressants).

He finally relented, following her lead as they tiptoed behind the couch, trying carefully not to disturb the oblivious couple. The door let out a soft creak as Penny pried it open, as she ushered him outside quickly, sparing one final glance at Leonard before leaving. It was probably better he didn't know what she was doing anyway, she didn't think he'd really condone her inviting Raj to her apartment on the premise of getting wasted together.

Raj's tension had barely eased by the time they finished the small trek to her apartment. She cast him a sidelong look as he took in her apartment(he frowned when he saw the pink and purple polka dot blanket rumpled beside her sofa or , quite possibly, from her overcrowded coffee table), as she opened her topmost kitchen cabinets. This, was where she kept her secret booze stash, on nights when beer alone wouldn't cut it. Tonight was one of those nights.

Looking through the various bottles(okay, so there were only three but she really didn't feel like tequila tonight and the other just tasted disgusting), she decided to go with the bottle of blueberry schnapps. To be truthful, she really didn't feel like the schnapps either. The last time she had indulged was with a peppermint flavored bottle and a very different physicist, but she didn't want to go back down that road right now.

In addition to the bottle, she withdrew two very battered shot glasses. The design on them was fading, you could barely tell they once had boasted two bright hibiscus flowers, but they were her favorites. She had bought them as soon as she had moved to Pasadena, as a celebratory gift for herself and they had seen a lot of action since then, but they still were beautiful to her.

She patted down one of the chairs by the counter-top as a signal for Raj to take a seat, an invitation which he had no qualms to comply with, while she lined the shot glasses up side by side.

"You looked like you could use a drink." she said simply, twisting the bottle's top off.

The clear fluid sloshed over the brim of the glasses as she hastily poured the drinks, not bothering to show-off any of the finesse she had picked up since bartending at work. It was just Raj, it wasn't like he actually cared whether or not she made a mess. He wasted no time in downing the first drink, slapping the shot glass back onto the counter before reaching out for the next, throwing it back with as much ease as the first.

Oh yeah, he definitely had a bad case of the relationship blues.

"Still pining over your best friend's girl sweetie?"

"Still pining over my sister's boyfriend?" he shot back, scowling.

Okay, so maybe she had deserved that snide remark, but it didn't mean it hadn't stung any less. With a frown, she snatched the glasses away from him and filled them back up, before she repeated his actions, choking back each shot in succession. Her face scrunched up as she tried to ignore the burning fluid streaming down the back of her throat, which only seemed to make her that much more aware of it. Thinking about Leonard was one thing she definitely didn't want to handle sober.

"Point taken."

She awkwardly filled the silent tension with more drinks, the bottle draining as the night slowly progressed. Maybe this hadn't been the most well-thought of her ideas, given the circumstances. Raj hadn't been acting himself, ergo his lush counterpart was different as well(she blamed Amy for her newly found deduction skills). So instead of getting a happy-go-lucky, emotional, asinine Raj she got a bottled up, sullen, bitter Raj who was still an ass, just one without any redeeming qualities. Lovely.

Unfortunately, whatever changes drunk Raj had experienced, drunk Penny hadn't.

She brought one the glasses up to her lips again, eying him over the rim of it. Verbal diarrhea session commence.

"God, our love lives suck don't they? I mean, did you ever picture Howard getting engaged to someone who was actually sober and wasn't from a mail-order catalog before us?"

"No." His response was flat and resolute, his usual frankness for when he didn't feel like talking about the subject or when there was nothing else to say. She suspected that it was a bit of both.

Still, she was a little disappointed with his lackluster response. She halfway wanted to see him scream something along the lines of 'No! And especially not to my Berny!' and go on a long tirade about how he planned to steal her away.

After a few more shots worked their way into her system, she realized why it was so vital for her to see Raj put up a fuss. If he wailed, bemoaned his circumstances and proclaimed to do anything and everything possible to get Bernadette, then there was a chance that Leonard would do the same. There was a chance that he was just as miserable as she was and as happy as he had seemed, it was all an act. There was a chance…

There was a chance that she was an idiot.

Since when had Leonard ever been a convincing actor? And more importantly, what did she have to offer him that was better than the girl he already had? She was a community college drop-out who worked at the Cheesecake Factory. Granted, her dreams were far more grand than her current situation, but seeing as how she had yet to get her big break(or even a small one), she was pretty sure tacking on that she was an actress didn't count, not yet anyway.

She stubbornly shoved her self-loathing mentality away with another drink, and focused on the topic at hand; Howard and Bernadette.

"What does Bernadette see in that little human chicken wing anyway?"

"No idea." The part of Raj that normally defended his lanky friend was absent she noted, somewhere in the trenches of her hazy mind, or at least was not as prevalent as usual.

"I mean, Howard isn't that bad of guy, once you get past all his Howardness, but marrying him? With his _mother_?" Penny had only met Mrs. Wolowitz a handful of times, but it was clear to her that the reputation she had earned did not proceed the woman in the slightest bit.

"Tell me about it dude." Raj nodded earnestly at his own words, seemingly agreeing with himself.

"All I gotta say is, Berny is braver woman than me. Much, much, much braver." Penny finished her thought with another shot.

"Whose place do you think they'll be staying at?" He asked, and they both exchanged a knowing look.

"Howard's."

As soon as his name passed their lips, they both erupted into a fit of hysterical giggles.

"Howard, you and your little wife need to stop making such a ruckus, I need my beauty sleep."

"Howie, once you and your girlfriend finish making whoopee, would you pumice my feet? My corns are killing me!"

They continued on like this for sometime, until the bottle ran empty. By then, both of their heads were buzzing and the laughter was still going nonstop, something both of their throats greatly protested. Penny felt amusing and more then a little flirty, as she scooted closer to Raj and traced the outline of his jaw.

Maybe it was the booze talking, but she hadn't realized before now what pretty eyes Raj had. She had initially written them off as being almost black, they were such a deep shade of brown, but up close she could see the flecks of taupe peeking through. It wasn't a striking contrast of shades, but it had it's own subtle charm. It was a quiet difference, like Raj.

By now, his laughs had died down to quiet snickers, as he pulled her hips closer, as if the two them were in on their on private joke. And they were, weren't they? Both of them were the last two singletons of the group and both of them were the last two people that anyone would have ever thought would be comforting one another. Raj because well, he was Raj and she was a woman, the two never mixed well, even when he was drunk.

But tonight was one of those rare miracles, where the planets lined up just right with the empty bottles, and even the most impossible of things seemed highly plausible.

She leaned in closer to him, her breath ghosting over his lips, barely a fraction away from his own. It was an awkward sort of intimate moment, each waiting for the other to break the tension by responding to the unspoken request, to make the leap of faith before the plunge. He waited all of five seconds before making the decision for her, his lips gently colliding with hers.

Raj tasted like blueberry schnapps and… honey?

She pulled her head back from his, looking at him with a puzzled expression.

"Burt's Bees." He said suddenly, and she realized she must have said that last thought out loud.

"Oh."

It figured he used one of her favorite brands of lip balm, Raj always did like to pamper himself more than the other guys. Not that it necessarily was a bad thing, mind you. Most guys she dated couldn't distinguish conditioner from shampoo, you could completely forget about oral hygiene or skincare.

Leonard was the one exception to the rule and even though he did take care of himself, she could tell the effort was half-hearted. It was a pleasant change actually, knowing that she wasn't the only one in this relationship investing their time and energy into maintaining appearances.

Only later in her foggy blur did the last thought strike her as odd, when they were pressed against her bedroom door, his roving lips and hands proving to be a futile distraction from her mind.

Relationship. She had thought of Raj and her being in a relationship, not just another drunken tryst.

She turned her head to the side, as Raj began to trail kisses down her neckline, undeterred. She couldn't do this, as much as she wanted to. It wouldn't be right to do this to Raj, he was her friend and deep down, she knew that sleeping with him wouldn't help her feel better for very long. In fact, it probably would only make her feel worse.

"Raj, I'm not going to sleep with you." She finally said, before pushing him away.

"What? Why not?" He spluttered, looking at her as if she had suddenly grown two heads.

Which, to be fair, she kind of felt like she did.

"Because I don't want to make anything weird like I did with Leonard." Her voice seemed so small when she uttered those words, as if admitting it finally made things real.

The truth was, she was the one that caused all of her own problems; with Leonard, with the guys, with Priya, with her bills, with her relationships… the list seemed endless. Suddenly, she found she couldn't look him in the eye, as she turned the varnished door handle and slipped inside her room, away from him and everything else she couldn't handle at the moment.

Her head felt like it was miles away from her body and her actions felt like those of a wind-up toy, mechanical, prearranged. She vaguely was aware of how badly her eyes seemed to burn and the hot, wet trails that were streaming down both of her cheeks as she started her nightly routine.

She pulled on an old, orange tank top along with some magenta track shorts that had long been past their prime, before yanking her hair into a messy bun. Her nightwear was practical, not stylish, a fact that Penny didn't really mind. Frilly skirts and bustiers were all fine and dandy for some women, but she found them to be a pain in the butt. Plus, women who actually wore them had steady boyfriends, unlike her. There was no sense in making herself look like a miserable pin-up doll if there was no one there to see it.

She flicked off the light switch before throwing herself underneath the overstuffed comforter that adorned her bed. Sleep, she desperately wanted to sleep. It wasn't that things would look better in the morning, but at least she could hide away from her problems at night, if only for a few hours.

Three minutes later, she was still awake, staring up at the ceiling with clouded, bloodshot eyes.

For some reason, the usual drunken, sleepy haze hadn't embraced her as quickly as she might have hoped. In fact, it hadn't embraced her at all. Which was odd, really. Normally she would have been snoring right about now.

Or at least she told herself it was odd. She bit her lip as she blinked back a few more tears that were working their way to the corners of her eyes. She hated how pathetic she felt, how pathetic she made herself feel. There was nothing she could do about the mistakes in her past, something she used to accept so easily; why now did her decisions haunt her?

It was a terrible feeling and more than anything she wished she had something, someone to anchor her in. To hear someone whisper kind words to her, even if they carried little meaning, would be a dream right now. She just didn't want to be alone, not tonight.

In the darkness, her eyes bore holes into the doors. Maybe he was still here, maybe he wasn't. She couldn't blame him if he left, she hadn't exactly told him to stay and after her sudden exit, why would he? He was probably long gone by now. Still, she pulled herself up, and made careful, hesitant footsteps the door.

Letting out a heavy sigh, she pulled open her door fully expecting to see her messy(but empty) living room. What she hadn't been expecting to see was Raj, huddled up in her hideous fleece blanket on the couch, tv remote and Heineken in hand, sifting through channels before finally settling on a romance movie.

"Raj?"

She assumed she must have interrupted some pivotal moment because when he turned to face her, he was misty-eyed. She took the moment to steel her quavering nerves for what she was about to ask.

"Do you want to stay over?"

"You mean…" She could see him perk up as the thought crossed his mind, until she quickly squashed it.

"No, I'm not having sex with you."

He slumped back down and pulled the blanket tighter around him, reverting his gaze back to the television.

"But you don't have to sleep on the couch either." She said quietly, as she walked back into her bedroom.

She didn't wait for him to come to his decision before she climbed back into her bed, propping a few pillows against her side to form a barrier of sorts(on the extremely off chance he did join her), before burying herself deep under the layers of sheets. Why did it matter to her what he did, aside from maybe sneaking out the bottle tequila from her cabinets or buying pay per view movies. Besides, judging from his reaction, he didn't care about her; _they _never cared about her.

She pulled the sheets around her tighter, her fists clenching the fabric so tightly she thought it might rip. It didn't matter, it was a whimsical impulse, a drunken urge. She was just a little lonely, that's all. No big deal, she could handle it, she'd been handling it fine before tonight. No big freaking deal at all.

Penny had resigned herself to another restless night when she heard the door creak slightly, accompanied by soft footfalls. A few curses were murmured after a loud crash(she probably should have moved her clothes hamper), before a heavy weight settled onto her bed. Raj.

"You always smell like vanilla." He murmured, so quietly she was almost sure she was imagining it. "It's nice."

Penny rolled over on her side to face him, wide-eyed, only to find him snuggled up against the pillow-wall, with his eyes closed and a warm, content smile on his face. She wasn't sure if he was faking it or not, but she really didn't care. All she did care about was that he was here with her on what had to be one of the suckiest nights of her life and he was telling her that her perfume smelled nice.

After the initial shock of it all, she settled back into her spot, curling up into a snug, little ball. Sleep was coming readily by now and her eyelids drooped shut, the last traces of any coherency quickly fading out. She managed to mumble a brief good night before dozing off.

"Goodnight Penny." She was well into her slumber by the time those words were spoken, a sleeping companion short to follow.

* * *

><p>The first thought that crossed her mind when she woke up the next morning was that her head hurt. Badly.<p>

The second thought was that she was not alone, if the caramel-colored arm cast around her mid-section was not enough of a clue.

He was curled up tightly against her, the pillow wall proving to be a futile structure against the mighty, drunken urge to cuddle. The last time she recalled anyone actually cuddling with her(or even staying for the morning), had been Leonard.

She snuggled closer to him, the dull rhythm of his breathes putting her at ease, falling into sync with the light, whistling snores that accompanied them. It was… nice, having someone care enough to stay with her.

A more rational, bitter side of her(that, oddly enough, reminded her of Sheldon) demanded that the only reason he was staying was because it was early and he was sleeping off a hangover. The other, more romantic part of her, was still marveling at how incredibly sweet and tender the gesture was. He could have left at any point of the night, he could have bunked out over at Leonard's, but he didn't. He had stayed with her, for no other reason than to be near her, because she had asked, because he needed someone, because he needed her.

_He needed her._

She felt her cheeks heat up as she looked at him, overwhelmed by the sensation of butterflies filling her stomach to the brim, threatening to spill over at any given moment. It took her few minutes to realize that it was _not _the butterflies that were threatening to spill over, as she stumbled out of bed as quietly as she could(which wasn't very quiet at all) and rushed into the bathroom, bile tickling the back of her throat.

The after-effect of drinking was never pretty, especially when there was copious amounts of cheap alcohol involved. Every time she woke up to another bout of courting the porcelain throne, she swore off drinking all together. These swears were generally forgotten by the end of the week once someone invited her to go clubbing or she had to deal with one too many unruly costumers at work but always seemed like a good idea at the time(just like downing a bottle of cheap schnapps did).

Wiping off a dribble that was working it's way down her chin(she didn't even want to think about what it was), she pulled herself up off the cheap tile and grabbed her toothbrush without so much as looking at her reflection. She doubted she would be greeted by the same perky, fresh-faced Penny that her customers identified her with. Covering the bristles with toothpaste, she began brushing her teeth, practically scouring them as she tried to rid herself of any trace of vomit.

A few minutes later, Penny reemerged from the bathroom, her breath several degrees fresher, though nothing seemed to erase the taste that lingered in her throat. Shaking the last few traces of sleep out of her system, she headed into her kitchenette to start her daily routine.

The motions were almost automatic by now: Open cabinet, remove coffee tin, close cabinet, fix coffee.

As she waited for the coffee to percolate, she focused on a more pertinent issue: What to do with her over night guest? Hell, what was she even going to say to him? She drummed her fingers along the counter as she mulled over her choices.

Ways to break the ice with Raj, ways to break the ice with Raj.

She couldn't just slam a cup of coffee into his hand and tell him to get the hell out, could she? It was a tempting prospect, but a rude one. Besides, he was actually her friend, not some nameless one night stand, she couldn't do that to him. Chewing the bottom of her lip thoughtfully, Penny finally decided upon a reasonable icebreaker: Breakfast. Everyone loved a nice hot meal once they sobered up some, right?

She turned on the stove top and tried to ignore her own queasy stomach as she withdrew a stick of butter and a carton of eggs from the fridge, along with a loaf of bread and cinnamon sugar from the cabinets.

Did Raj even like French toast?

She bit her lip as she prepared the batter, mulling over her choice of cuisine. She assumed he would like it better than cold cereal and to her credit, Leonard always liked when she cooked French toast(much to Sheldon's chagrin). Even after they had broken up, she frequently fixed it, especially when combating a round of hangover blues. It was just one of those comforts foods that helped you forgot about all your problems, problems like waking up beside one of your best friends or your having your ex live across the hall.

She plunked four pieces of bread into the mix, pressing them down to ensure they all were adequately covered, and left them to soak. Plopping a pat of butter into the pan, she poured herself a cup of coffee and took a seat on the couch.

It would be awhile before the pan heated up, thanks to her crappy out-of-date stove(and people wondered why she got her apartment so cheap), so she resigned herself to nursing her cup of coffee and looking through a shopping catalog while she waited.

Browsing through expensive shoes was always fun, even if she couldn't really afford a single pair(though she always seemed to end up with at least two new pairs and another massive fee on her credit card by the end of the month). As she contemplated whether or not she should buy a new pair of patent leather turquoise pumps or keep her cable package, the sound of shuffling footsteps alerted her to the prescience of the other occupant in her apartment.

The sunlight glinted off of his messy mop of ebony hair as he yawned, stretching his arms out until she was almost certain the tips of his fingers could reach the top of her door frame. She let her gaze wander until she came upon a sight that almost made her spit out her drink.

"Superman boxers? Really?" She giggled, getting up from the couch and heading back to the stove.

His eyes cracked open in an instant, as if he were just now realizing where he was which, considering how much they had to drink last night, wasn't too far a stretch from the truth.

She watched him squirm under the pressure as she put the bread into the frying pan, his sheepish smile slowly dissipating into something more acutely uncomfortable, though her own grin never left her face. Normally she'd try and force him to just say what he wanted to say(though she'd practically become a gumshoe at guessing by now) but she relented, chalking it up to the warm-fuzzies they provided one another the night before(and the morning after).

"There's a pad and pen by the table sweetie." She said, and used one batter-covered finger to point toward her cluttered coffee table.

He scrambled toward it, picking up the pad and making a small face at it's neon pink coloring, before uncapping the black sharpie next to it and scribbling away furiously. After a moment, he held up the notepad for her to read.

'Superman is cool.' Was written in large, swooping letters.

"Even on boxers?" She teased, earning her a sharp look and a nod, as he wrote his sentiments onto the paper.

'Especially on boxers.'

She let out a snort of laughter at this, earning her another dirty look, though she was pretty sure she saw the corners of his lips turn up just a tad.

A few minutes later, as she was flipping the toast, she heard the scratching sound of marker scribbling onto paper again. Sure enough, he had another note written out.

'Do you have hot water?'

She squinted at the words, to make sure she read them right. Why wouldn't she have hot water - Oh!

"Mhmm, I've had it back for a couple of weeks now, I've just been using it as an excuse to annoy Leonard." She attempted to shrug it off casually, ignoring her burning cheeks and the exasperated look he was sending her.

Sure, it was a little wrong for her to have pretended that her water heater was busted just so she could flaunt her figure in front of her ex, but she wasn't a saint… Okay, so it was really, really wrong. Besides, it wasn't that fun anyway, at least once Sheldon had imposed a ten minute rule.

She waited a minute before she resumed her work, to see if he had another question to ask(or write). He didn't disappoint, already holding up another note.

'Shower?' Was scrawled out onto the pink paper

That was an odd question. Raj had been to her apartment loads of times, did he really need a play by play as to where her bathroom was located? Then again, he may have just been asking to be polite. She concluded that it was probably a mixture of both.

"To the left, I'm pretty sure there's a towel in there too."

She watched him scurry off, an impish smile lighting up her features as soon as he rounded the corner.

"Hey Raj?" His head popped out from behind the door, a brow quirked. "What's your opinion of Aquaman?"

She deftly dodged the tube of spearmint toothpaste he threw at her, laughing all the while. Apparently he hadn't forgotten about new year's either.

The atmosphere in the apartment was calm and soothing, with the smell of sizzling cinnamon in the air and the quiet roar of water pattering against tiles. Compared to the whirlwind of negative emotions she had been swept in lately, it was a pleasant change of pace. Giving the bread a quick once over, which had now turned a rich golden brown, she decided she was pleased with the result.

Grabbing a spatula, Penny turned off the stove and began to load up a plate with the delicious treats. She placed it on the center of the island(another con to her kitchen, no real table), before setting out two more plates and silverware.

Now it was time for the hard part: What toppings did she want to set out?

Personally, she preferred drenching her French toast in maple syrup, but she went ahead and grabbed a box powdered sugar too, in case Raj preferred it with his(still assuming that he actually liked French toast). If he wanted berries or something else, he was out of luck; she hadn't gone to the store recently and the only fruit in her apartment was one over-ripe banana that she had meant to toss out a few days ago. Whoops.

Taking a moment to look over her handiwork(and putting up a mental block against the other side of the counter that was still messy from cooking and probably would be for quite a while), she smiled as she took a seat, popping open the syrup's cap.

Before she could even squeeze out a drop of the sticky substance, she heard the rapt sound of knuckles colliding with her door.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." She mumbled grumpily, as she got up and made her way to the door.

The pattern wasn't the usual style of Sheldon, so there was a slight mystery of who it could be, though even if it was in the style of Sheldon, it could always be someone else… like Howard. Though she'd take Howard any day of the week as opposed to a visit from the landlord.

With some reluctance, she unlatched the door and turned the handle.

"Penny-"

"Leonard?"

She tried to look calm and collected, but it was difficult with Leonard standing right in front of her. Suddenly, she wished she had actually spent some time getting ready this morning instead of just staying in her pjs. Though, he didn't look so good himself.

He looked frazzled and tense, with his hair bedraggled and his glasses askew. His eyes, she noticed, were rimmed with heavy bags. He looked like he had just gotten over the break up from hell.

Could it be that maybe he had… ?

"Penny, have you seen Raj? We thought he must have went home early but when Priya went back to the apartment this morning, he wasn't there. We're really worried about him."

Oh crap.

"Uhmm…" She bit her lip, her grip on the door frame tightening.

She stole a glance back into her apartment to find that Raj was out of the shower now, tousling a towel through his hair and wearing her favorite pink robe to boot, almost chancing a double take at the image.

Did he and Howard have a vendetta against all things of hers that were fluffy and bath-related? Granted, it looked much better on the former rather than the latter and she was pretty sure her teddy bears managed to escape unscathed this time but still, that was her robe.

"Penny…?" Leonard asked, snapping her attention back to him.

The look on his face was pointed and accusing with a sort of tired acceptance, a look she knew all too well. Before they had dated, she had seen the same jealous gleam light up his eyes on occasion, the look where words were no longer need and condemnation was only a breath away, even if it was never verbalized. The look that begged only one question: Who is it this time?

It was the look she tried to drown out with drink after drink after drink, until she wasn't even sure if she could think or function. It was the look that constantly drove her into the arms of anyone she could find because being with someone was better than being with no one. And it was the look that Leonard, of all people, didn't deserve to be giving her.

What right did he have to judge her?

Feeling the last few dregs of liquid confidence from the night before, she thrust open the door, revealing her companion for the night. Her companion whom she didn't sleep with(at least in the text that Leonard would take it, anyway). Her companion that Leonard would insist she did sleep with, no matter if it was true or not, regardless if he admitted it or not. Her companion who was Rajesh Koothrappali.

His brows furrowed and she could definitely tell he was shocked(and perhaps a little irritated), but she couldn't take it upon herself to care at the moment.

"I guess I can tell Sheldon to stop hacking into his email and Howard that the search party is off."

"Guess so." She replied, tersely.

"I'll just let you two get back to whatever it is your doing."

As Leonard started shuffling back to his apartment, Penny closed the door, her palms lingering on the wooden frame and her eyes clenched shut. Leonard's reaction had hurt her more than she had anticipated. Some small part of her, the part that still held Leonard with such high esteem and affection, had broken at his reaction.

It was one thing to think that he viewed her poorly, but it was an entirely different matter when he backed up her claim. This moment here and now, this single point in time, marked the end of her romance with Leonard. Some steps can never be retraced and some paths end in ruin; their relationship was one of them. There would be no going back now, not after today.

It was funny in a sort of heart wrenching way, how life worked out sometimes. All this time she had been dreaming of a second chance with Leonard, only to find out that now she no longer wanted it.

"Does he think we hooked up?" Raj asked, his quiet voice startling her out of her thoughts.

She noticed the bottle of coffee liquor on the counter(which had been gathering dust in the furthermost kitchen cabinet since she last tried a sip) and suppressed a sigh. At least she would have a dialysis buddy now, once their kidneys finally decided to revolt.

"I don't know but probably, yeah." She answered, her face grim as she reclaimed her spot at the counter top. Suddenly, the prospect of treating herself to a plate of gooey, sugary goodness didn't seem too appealing.

"What should we tell him?" He was firmly fixated on his toast, spearing pieces of it every now and then, before returning it to the plate. It seemed like she wasn't the only one who had lost her appetite.

"I don't know."

"Whatever happens Penny, I won't…" He struggled for a moment, seemingly having difficulty forming the correct words to say to ease the situation.

"You won't what?" She asked, arching one eyebrow slightly, curious to know what his response would be. She wasn't sure if she could deal with any more barbs thrown her way without snapping.

"I won't think any less of you."

Of any response he could have given her, that was the most unexpected one.

She felt a small sob work it's way into her throat before choking it back, as she leaned across the island to embrace Raj in a half hug of sorts.

It was nice to know that at least one of the guys still had her back, after all this time. She hadn't realized how much she had missed them until they were already gone and for him to say that, regardless of the alcohol that was already in his system, was one of the kindest things she'd heard in a long time.

"Thank you so much sweetie."

She began to pull away from him, but his hand upon her forearm halted her movements.

He seemed hesitant, his eyes lined with uncertainty, before he leaned forward and kissed her cheek. She was taken aback for a moment, as her still somewhat muddled brain processed his action, and she pulled away from him, looking at him intently.

It took her some time to realize that this wasn't exactly Raj's proposal or anything that grand, but it was the start of something, something big. She didn't know if this exactly entailed that they would be in relationship, but oddly enough, it didn't seem to matter as much as she thought it would.

A tiny smile graced her lips as she leaned forward and caught the corner of Raj's mouth with her own.

And maybe, maybe this wasn't such a bad thing, whatever this was.


End file.
